Coping Ahead

We’re heading into another season, and it’s one that people either love—for all the pumpkin everything, leaf-peeping, and fun layered clothing options—or feel a sense of dread because of the cold weather and decrease in daylight which can really impact mood. 

However, no matter what camp you fall into, whether you struggle with fall or you tend prance through the leaves and snow feeling happy, I encourage you to think about coping skills that might help you manage through what might be a particularly challenging change of seasons for everyone.

That’s because this fall may be very different from what we’re used to. It may be harder to visit loved ones outside, cold-weather activities (both indoor and outdoor) may be harder to do, and another stay-at-home order could happen unexpectedly in many communities. 

When you can see a potential challenge like this coming down the pike, one of the best strategies to employ is coping ahead. Coping ahead is a strategy that will leave you feeling more in control of your emotions and better able to get through any challenges you might face. That’s because you will be going in prepared. 

Once you have your toolbox of skills, incorporate them into your schedule now so your mood is more protected later on. If you do start to feel depressed or anxious, those habits will help cushion you, possibly preventing an extreme mood swing. 

Here are some strategies you can practice for coping ahead over the next month.

• Wake up at the same time every day. Consider having something fun to look forward to that helps with that process—a cup of coffee, your favorite breakfast, a hot shower, a call with a friend or family member. Keeping your sleep schedule consistent and having a routine in the morning will help your mood. 

• At the beginning of each day, ask yourself how you want to take care of you. Each day can bring a different answer based on what you need, which means you may have to use a different skill (which will help you keep them fresh). And asking yourself this question means that you are making yourself a priority!

• Stay connected to your people. Those could be friends, family, loved ones, or your therapist. Plan a FaceTime call, online games with friends, or socially distant walks if that’s an option. Even if you feel like you don’t have the time, make the effort to stay connected. Depression and anxiety want you to isolate. And if you listen to them, those emotions will take over. If you truly don’t have the energy to leave your house or really don’t feel like talking, think about texting someone or FaceTiming over a movie. This will help you keep that bridge of communication open and help fight off any negative emotions without draining you. 

• Think about anything you can do that will create structure (outside of work) in your day-to-day and also holds your interest. Some ideas are taking an online class, joining a virtual book club, getting involved in a local association, or starting a recipe book. Think about what would help you create fun structure during your day, and then give it a try. Many of these activities may still be virtual, but seeing others (even over video) and having something to look forward to outside of the daily grind can have a positive impact on mood, especially as it’s getting darker out and we have to remain physically distant from each other. 

If you like any of the skills above, write them down! Having a visual representation of your coping ahead toolbox will make it that much easier to access and remember to use. Put that list on your fridge, your desk, or even on your phone or laptop.

Remember: We are all in this together, and I am right there with you. 

How to Find Your Mantra

This month, I wanted to talk about why mantras or positive statements we repeat to ourselves can play an important part in helping us get through challenging times. Mantras can help us feel more centered, grounded, and empowered while we are feeling a bit scared, sad, or even angry.  

In 2017, I discovered that one of my favorite singers (Ani DiFranco) would be performing in Edinburgh. I thought about how fun it would be to see her play and thought I could take this opportunity to make my first solo trip. Although I have flown alone many times, I had always had plans to meet someone on the other end before. But an entire week in Scotland ending with Ani sounded like the perfect adventure!

Until uncertainty and self-doubt emerged, I started to think, “What if I miss my connecting flight? What if I get lost? What if I feel awkward eating dinner alone? What if, what if, what if…”

I knew I wanted to go, but the thought of going also made me feel scared and anxious. I also knew that this challenge would be an opportunity to embrace fear and uncertainty—a great opportunity for personal growth. So that’s when I said to myself, “If something makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.” That has been my mantra ever since.

My new mantra helped me move through the fear and book the trip. I am so glad I did it because I had a blast. I met new people. I had dinner alone and loved it. I went on tours and walked around the city. I did not get lost, but I did almost miss my connection on the way back to Boston. I reframed that experience by saying, “If I miss my connection, I can spend a night in Ireland, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”

This new mantra has also helped me both personally and professionally.

In my personal life, I’ve been taking risks by joining clubs and attending different events on my own, something I might not have done before. I’ve made good friends out of those experiences. Now I also know that I enjoy dinners alone, and I feel confident taking more social risks.

On the professional side, I have created a blog, written for HuffingtonPost.com, Today.com Parenting, and ThriveGlobal.com. I’ve done interviews for Bustle.com, PopSugar.com, and many other national media outlets. I have agreed to be a guest on national podcasts and radio stations where I talked about stress and anxiety management. I have even written a stress management course called Breaking Everyday into Slivers Not Chunks: Practical Skills to Manage Every Day Stressors. Doing this work made me feel anxious, nervous, excited, and scared all rolled up into one. I’d never done any of these things before. And I said “yes” to it all.  

Answering “yes” to such opportunities can lead to amazing experiences. But I know it also brings uncertainty and risk, which means I open myself up to fail. I just remind myself that if I do flub or bomb, then at least I’ll learn from it and possibly get a good story out of the experience!

I’ve learned that, sometimes, we have to experience some discomfort in order to grow. If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway.

I’m not talking about being-alone-in-a-dark-alley-at-midnight type of anxiety where there is a likelihood of actual danger. I’m talking about when anxiety tries to convince us that the idea of failure is too strong to take a risk, and tries to force us to make a decision to not go for something we want. 

If it makes me anxious, I am going to do it anyway. This is what I say to myself on a regular basis, and this way of thinking has served me well. I want to pass along this experience in case it helps others like it has helped me.

I encourage you to find a statement, quote, or mantra that you truly feel holds your feet to the fire when there is an opportunity to embrace uncertainty rather than run away from it.

Politics, Family, and the Holiday Season

Politics and family. Oy! Talk about a challenging combination. Especially with this year’s election, families may be primed to talk about this hot-button topic. If you anticipate your family bringing up politics, here are some suggestions on how to dodge that bullet this holiday season.

1. If you feel comfortable approaching your family about this before the holidays, you can request to keep this topic off the table. Consider writing an email that says something like: “Hi, family! In celebration of Thanksgiving (or any holiday), let’s table talking politics for the day.” Get everyone to agree, and suggest that if anyone slips up, you will all give them a gentle reminder of the agreement.

2. Changing the conversation can also be a helpful strategy. Try to aim for topics that are fairly benign and relatively easy to engage in. Asking about vacations, fun plans coming up, plans for New Years, or any good books or shows they can recommend are all topics that might hold interest and give room to expand on with follow-up questions.

3. And when all else fails? Remember to take mini breaks. If you need ideas for what mini breaks might work for you, or if you want to develop other skills that could help you avoid stress this holiday season, check out our Progress Wellness newsletter. 

FIVE POWERFUL COPING SKILLS TO HELP YOU TO MANAGE ANXIETY, INSTEAD OF LETTING ANXIETY MANAGE YOU!

Note, it’s helpful to practice these skills even when you don’t need them, so when you actually start feeling anxious, you know exactly what to do.

1. Journaling can be a wonderful practice, so have a journal and a pen on hand for when you feel anxious or you can use a journal app on your phone as well. When we feel anxious, our thoughts can race or get stuck in our minds, making it difficult to let go of them. Other times, we may fall into thinking about events that made us feel bad or create events that we fear could happen in the future. Journaling is a way to let out those thoughts and put space between you and your anxiety. Writing things down can help you to look at your thoughts by actually seeing them on the page. This allows you to create a dialogue between you and whatever is causing your anxiety. Making these thoughts visible helps you to remember them so that you can analyze them and replace them with more helpful thoughts and action steps. Just like Dumbledore’s Pensieve from Harry Potter, where he would put his wand to his head and out would come a memory and then he would file it away to look at later, journaling can help you to do that too. This strategy to pull out thoughts and worries from your mind and put them in the visible form helps you to see your situation and your feelings more clearly. This frees up your mind to move into problem-solving mode.

2. Hold something cold in your hand for what I call a “brain break” coping skill. Go to the freezer and grab an ice cube. Hold the ice cube in one hand over the sink. See how long it takes you to notice that you are not able to have any thoughts other than “my hand feels so cold!” Flip the ice into the other hand and notice that experience. As one hand starts to thaw out, the other one gets cold. Maybe you notice where the water melts in your hand actually feels warmer than where the ice is sitting. Then, when you can’t take it anymore, toss the ice in the sink. Holding something cold forces us out of our head (stops ruminative, racing thoughts that are anxiety-driven) and into the moment (where your entire attention is on your hands), giving your brain a break from whatever stress you are swept up in. Sometimes, after tossing the ice into the sink, that “brain break” allows you to regroup, think more clearly, and ask yourself more positive questions, such as “Is what I am thinking helpful? Can I do anything about this now?”

3. Make a playlist of songs that you like that evoke calm, hopeful, happy, or peaceful feelings. Play it regularly such as on the way to work, school, or home, at lunchtime, at night before bed, or at the gym and connect with the music and its calming effects. Then, anytime that you feel anxious, or when you can predict/fear that you may feel anxious, you can press Play and know that you have this remedy set to go.

4. Get enough sleep to counteract your anxiety. Instead of counting sheep, which is difficult to do when your mind is racing at night, try thinking of your favorite recipe. Start by listing out all the ingredients in your mind. Where do you find the items in the market? Think about all the steps you take to make the dish. Anytime you find your mind wandering off to anxiety-land, bring it back to where you left off with your dish. If you do not enjoy cooking, another option similar to this is to imagine you are taking a trip around the world. Where would you start and what places would you see? Where would you stay? What kinds of venues would you like to eat at, shop at, or visit? What would you do in each country and city? Again, if your mind wanders off to anxiety-land, do your best to catch it and bring it back to where you left off. This can feel like a tennis match at times, where just as you bring your attention back, it’s off on the other side of the court. However, like with most things that we put time into, the more we practice, the better we become. Practice increases the chances of this coping skill being successful.

5. Shift your focus outward. When feeling anxious, you might feel your heart pound and your thoughts race. You may feel frozen in place while everything around you starts speeding up. The more we focus our attention on these symptoms, the more anxious we can become. This is when moving your attention from what’s happening inside your body and mind to what’s happening around you can be very helpful. So look up from where you are and name 5 things that you can see, 4 things that you can hear, 3 things that you can touch, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you enjoy. Doing this can force our mind into the present moment, allowing our brain to slow down, and our heart rate to calm down. This can give you the mental space to think more clearly, and separate from your anxiety messages.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. If anxiety is interfering with your well-being, please feel free to contact me to schedule a consultation at Angela@ProgressWellness.com.