Coping by Contributing

I know many of you may feel overwhelmed right now, and that’s understandable. There is a lot happening in our country and our world, and 2020 continues to challenge us. But with every challenge, there is an opportunity for growth. 
 
As we all continue to grapple with managing a pandemic, many are also opening their eyes to racial disparities in our society, moving to a new understanding of others’ lived experiences and hoping for the changes championed by the Black Lives Matter movement.
 
I have been hearing from a lot from people who say they want to be an active participant in changing our world but feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and stress.  While some people have jumped into fighting for causes actively by protesting or have started reading, listening, or finding other ways to move forward, it is also natural to not know what to do—especially when it feels like there is so much to do.
 
So if you’re feeling stuck, here is one skill I often recommend that can help decrease feelings of stress and funnel your sadness, anger, and anxiety into a positive outcome.
 
Contributing is the art of giving to others in the form of time, talent, or treasure. When we give, it awakens a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.
 
Contributing does not have to be a grand gesture. Of course, you can donate your time or money to a cause or charity you believe in. But contributing is also about making personal connections with others. When we do that, not only do we positively affect someone else, our own mood improves as well.
 
Giving to others can also create a sense of hopefulness and belonging within ourselves. These are all good things!  
 
If you’re looking for ideas of how you can contribute in ways big or small, here are some examples:

• Call or FaceTime someone just to say hello. Hearing a friendly voice can go a long way for someone (and for you)!

• Check on a friend or neighbor.

• Help someone with a grocery run or other chore (mow their lawn, water their plants, etc.).

• Buy items from local businesses that need support.

• Say hello to others who walk past you on the street to show solidarity.

• Read articles and books on topics that are important to you to help you become a better ally.

• Sign a petition to make your voice heard.

• Donate time to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Donate money to a charity or cause you believe in.

• Go to a protest if you feel comfortable doing so. 

This list showcases a wide range of options for contributing—and of course, there are many I am leaving out. But if you are feeling at a loss for what to do or where to start, making contributions is a great skill that can help shift your mindset and find your way forward. It may seem simple, but it goes a long way—both for you and for others.
 

Emotional Spring Cleaning

When you think of spring, you often think of shedding the old and bringing in the new. But that doesn’t have to mean just throwing out those old sweaters to make room for new ones. You can apply the same idea to the emotional clutter you collect and hold on to.

Just like unused clothes in a closet, emotions can take up room you can’t spare in your brain. That’s because you unintentionally hoard emotions like guilt, shame, sadness, and anxiety.

But what purpose does this collection of unfortunate emotions serve? None!

It's time to clean out that closet, weed that garden, take out the trash … you get the idea. It might not be as easy to throw out emotional clutter as it is to donate that ratty old sweater, but it can be done with a little patience and kindness.

Below are three steps to guide you through your emotional spring cleaning.

1. Emotional Sorting

Take those emotions off your mental shelf and look at them one by one. Do you need this emotion right now? Do you enjoy wearing it? If not, toss it into the trash. If you want to hold on to it, ask yourself why you want to keep it and for how long. I find these questions can help separate us from our thoughts and emotions, and help us answer honestly.

If you need some distance, I encourage you to ask these questions out loud. Talking it out can help! When you decide which thoughts and emotions are taking up too much space, you can take the next step in letting them go.

2. Journal

Put those thoughts from the trash pile onto a page. No judgment, no editing (swear words included), no holding back. Writing these thoughts down helps free your mind of any ruminative thinking. After you finish writing it all down, you can choose to keep it, shred it, or throw it out. Throwing out the physical evidence of those emotions can be particularly cathartic for many people.

3. Make a Self-Care List

Practice being kind to yourself. To loosen the grip of negative thoughts and emotions, and fully let go, you also need to put good things into your life. Go to the movies, read a book for fun, go for a walk, or do something you love on your own or with a friend. Make a list of activities that make you happy and pick something from it at least once a week.

Remember that these steps may need to be repeated several times before you feel the full effect of

letting go. Do not give up!

It is hard cleaning out old stuff, even when you desperately want to kick it to the curb. This is especially true of emotions. Be patient with yourself. You can always spend some extra time on Step 3 if you feel stuck.

Sending good energy your way!

Reframing “Should” and Combating Anxiety

On an average day, “should” statements can motivate us. “I should do my laundry tonight so I have underwear for tomorrow,” or “I should fill up my car with gas so I don’t run out on the drive home tonight.”

But when we are anxious, the word “should” becomes paralyzing.

Have you ever noticed your internal dialogue when you are feeling anxious? If not, next time you are feeling anxiety, see if you can observe your thoughts and catch a “should” statement. “I should be able to write this email perfectly,” or “I should be able to get started and I just can’t do it,” or “I should be able to balance everything on my schedule right now.”

When we ‘’should” ourselves, we judge ourselves based on false assumptions. We assume everyone else is having an easier time, that everyone else would be better or faster at whatever task we are doing in that moment, or that we have to do something in a certain way in order to get it done.

Perhaps you happen to be surrounded by people who enjoy writing and the process of struggling through it, or you’re often around friends who feel comfortable asking people out on dates, or you know people who are legitimately having an easier time doing the same work. But there are more people in your boat than you think.

For many people, “should” stops being helpful when it stops being motivational and is instead followed by some type of expectation. This shift is often triggered by anxiety.

When this happens, I always ask my clients, “Does this statement make you feel good?” I have to say, I can’t remember a time when someone told me that, in their state of anxiety, a “should” statement made them feel good and inspired or got them motivated. If anything, these statements make people feel conflicted or even paralyzed.

So how do we kick these unwanted “should” statements to the curb?

The first step is to catch the “should” statement when it goes through your mind. Notice how you are talking to yourself when you are in a negative emotional state. Then, if you catch a “should” statement, try to soften in with the word “prefer.”

What would you prefer to do? Would you prefer to study, or go on that date, or do something on your own? Would you prefer to get your paperwork done, or take a break and tackle it tomorrow?

Each choice has a consequence, and that’s OK. The choice depends on what feels best for you.

Asking ourselves what we “prefer” to do instead of what we “should” be doing gives us options to choose from and allows us to move away from assumed and sometimes unrealistic expectations. Preference can give you an opportunity to pause and think, “What do I want? What is the best decision for me right now?”

Using “prefer” vs. “should” softens the negative thought and can, therefore help shift your mood and get you moving again.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, see if you can stop for a minute and observe your thoughts. If you catch a “should” statement, see if you can change it into “prefer” instead.

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FIVE POWERFUL COPING SKILLS TO HELP YOU TO MANAGE ANXIETY, INSTEAD OF LETTING ANXIETY MANAGE YOU!

Note, it’s helpful to practice these skills even when you don’t need them, so when you actually start feeling anxious, you know exactly what to do.

1. Journaling can be a wonderful practice, so have a journal and a pen on hand for when you feel anxious or you can use a journal app on your phone as well. When we feel anxious, our thoughts can race or get stuck in our minds, making it difficult to let go of them. Other times, we may fall into thinking about events that made us feel bad or create events that we fear could happen in the future. Journaling is a way to let out those thoughts and put space between you and your anxiety. Writing things down can help you to look at your thoughts by actually seeing them on the page. This allows you to create a dialogue between you and whatever is causing your anxiety. Making these thoughts visible helps you to remember them so that you can analyze them and replace them with more helpful thoughts and action steps. Just like Dumbledore’s Pensieve from Harry Potter, where he would put his wand to his head and out would come a memory and then he would file it away to look at later, journaling can help you to do that too. This strategy to pull out thoughts and worries from your mind and put them in the visible form helps you to see your situation and your feelings more clearly. This frees up your mind to move into problem-solving mode.

2. Hold something cold in your hand for what I call a “brain break” coping skill. Go to the freezer and grab an ice cube. Hold the ice cube in one hand over the sink. See how long it takes you to notice that you are not able to have any thoughts other than “my hand feels so cold!” Flip the ice into the other hand and notice that experience. As one hand starts to thaw out, the other one gets cold. Maybe you notice where the water melts in your hand actually feels warmer than where the ice is sitting. Then, when you can’t take it anymore, toss the ice in the sink. Holding something cold forces us out of our head (stops ruminative, racing thoughts that are anxiety-driven) and into the moment (where your entire attention is on your hands), giving your brain a break from whatever stress you are swept up in. Sometimes, after tossing the ice into the sink, that “brain break” allows you to regroup, think more clearly, and ask yourself more positive questions, such as “Is what I am thinking helpful? Can I do anything about this now?”

3. Make a playlist of songs that you like that evoke calm, hopeful, happy, or peaceful feelings. Play it regularly such as on the way to work, school, or home, at lunchtime, at night before bed, or at the gym and connect with the music and its calming effects. Then, anytime that you feel anxious, or when you can predict/fear that you may feel anxious, you can press Play and know that you have this remedy set to go.

4. Get enough sleep to counteract your anxiety. Instead of counting sheep, which is difficult to do when your mind is racing at night, try thinking of your favorite recipe. Start by listing out all the ingredients in your mind. Where do you find the items in the market? Think about all the steps you take to make the dish. Anytime you find your mind wandering off to anxiety-land, bring it back to where you left off with your dish. If you do not enjoy cooking, another option similar to this is to imagine you are taking a trip around the world. Where would you start and what places would you see? Where would you stay? What kinds of venues would you like to eat at, shop at, or visit? What would you do in each country and city? Again, if your mind wanders off to anxiety-land, do your best to catch it and bring it back to where you left off. This can feel like a tennis match at times, where just as you bring your attention back, it’s off on the other side of the court. However, like with most things that we put time into, the more we practice, the better we become. Practice increases the chances of this coping skill being successful.

5. Shift your focus outward. When feeling anxious, you might feel your heart pound and your thoughts race. You may feel frozen in place while everything around you starts speeding up. The more we focus our attention on these symptoms, the more anxious we can become. This is when moving your attention from what’s happening inside your body and mind to what’s happening around you can be very helpful. So look up from where you are and name 5 things that you can see, 4 things that you can hear, 3 things that you can touch, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you enjoy. Doing this can force our mind into the present moment, allowing our brain to slow down, and our heart rate to calm down. This can give you the mental space to think more clearly, and separate from your anxiety messages.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you. If anxiety is interfering with your well-being, please feel free to contact me to schedule a consultation at Angela@ProgressWellness.com.